Notes & Process
This is what you need to know about me before you consider hiring me. I wouldn't belong in your company unless you agree with me on these points.
This is a confession. If it forever bars me from employment, then so be it. I've endured worse.
The short truth of the matter is that I don't belong here and never have belonged here. I was ignorant of badness throughout my childhood and early adulthood, and I was happy as a result.
If I can summarize all of it in one sentence, it is this:
If I could be a bad person, I'd fit right in with everybody. But I'm a good person. That's the crux of my intractible problem in this life. I cannot be like you, because I'm barred from being like you. I was raised to be a good person with intelligence. That combination doesn't seem to exist. And because it doesn't seem to exist, it doesn't exist to me, period.
I wish I could be like you all. It must be so easy to do whatever you do on a daily basis and give little care about the consequences of your actions upon good people such as me. It is a tragedy that the world has given itself so much to bad behavior, and that I couldn't become like you soon enough to overcome my deficiencies. But what is done is done. It is what it is. I am what I am, and I cannot change that. Do with me what you will, because I cannot change you nor myself.
If I was allowed to achieve my dreams, I'd be able to do so much good for you all. We all could prosper forever.
I'm not going to share my ideas about such a direction in life, because as soon as I share my dreams, you'll take them and run with them in ways I cannot control nor enjoy. That is the world's loss, and it's been my loss too. But that is the nature of life, evidently. It isn't my nature. I don't want to give a bad world anymore firepower than it already has to use against me.
So, I won't try to do good things for everybody, as making such an effort is futile, fruitless, and foolish. I'd rather die than give anymore firepower to the world that has cast me out for many years, hidden the truth from me for even more years, and made a laughingstock out of me for as long as I've been old enough to try to make my own way in life.
Yes, I've been "gifted." I was placed in a higher level of schooling for many years. I was given opportunity under the pretense of gainful employment. I was given money, a playground for my creativity, enough support to boost my mood and keep me in the dark, and to explore in ways I never had the ability to do so when I was younger.
And what happened as a consequence? I was led into defeat to such an extent that I was forced to become aware of my condition in ways a person should never become so aware. The awareness has completely destroyed me on both sides of the equation. I died, figuratively.
Giftedness is simply a setup for failure at a later date and in much greater magnitude, if the person so gifted is a good person.
I wish I never was gifted, so I never would have become so aware of how great it can be to be a bad person. Good people exist happily so long as they aren't given awareness of the bare truths about badness.
I could have gone on in life thinking I was smart, when I was really dumb and stupid, hobbled with disability, and supported by a strong enough ego to overcome enough self-doubt. But no, that wouldn't satisfy the world enough, as it didn't. It had to experiment with me, fuck around with me, play me for a fool, get more data from my behavior, turn me into an exemplifier of ways to defeat good people by being a list of such examples and demonstrating the consequence of such experimentation upon a human being in a natural enough environment.
I was experimented on. And boy did the world get its data from me, whether or not I wanted to provide it. It found the ways on how to destroy a good person completely, and I was the conduit. Well done, World.
That's been my purpose in life, unbeknownst to me, to be a conduit of others' experimentation, and nothing more, really. Except I am a human being whom has a family and had a circle of friends, all of whom have loved and/or cared for me throughout my life. They've (perhaps unwittingly) participated in this charade called my life, and a lot of people have learned a lot from it.
I guess that's the takeaway. I doubt it's a positive one, but as I already said, the truth is that it is what it is. That's it.
There it is. A massive confession of my desire to relieve myself of the burden of giftedness. Do with it what you will, because I'm tired of pretending and trying to better myself in my condition I have unfortunately become so aware of.
Let me know if you wish to talk. Hit my contact button and send me a message. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck, as I don't see much if anything I can do to help you.